Monday, September 17, 2012


Bad ass bi_ _ _ since the day I was born..

I can't fight my alter-ego, the R(B)HONY. She's been kicking New York's ass so badly lately I just have to tell you all about her....

I went to the Post Office last week. I know! This is only the second time I have ever been. Left in tears the first time but my NY bad-ass cojones have sprouted. I was born in Hull, not Tunbridge Wells for God's sake. Three years in Manhattan means it's time to put the pain behind me, stand my ground and fight.

During my first visit to the P.O it was very hot inside and freezing outside. By the time I had filled in the correct labels, found the right boxes, gone back and forth from the counter twice, sweat was trickling down my back. My friend Maxine counselled me afterwards and I never went back.
Last week though, three overdue birthday presents for the UK meant I just had to go to the P.O.  Fed Ex is too expensive, normal people go in post offices all the time and I had run out of excuses. Plus it was the post or the end of three very close and important relationships back home.

 So on the day I walk in, tootle round the tape-fence-thingy and head up to stand behind the folk in line. Meantime, a woman finagling around with the envelope shelves turns round and sees me approaching. In haste, she reaches over the tape-fence-thingy and plops her gym bag down right where I am about to stand, then turns back to the envelope shelves. I step over the bag and take my rightful place in the queue. She turns round and says
"Excuse me! I was there!"
Well, honestly. So I say to her
"No. You turned round from OUTSIDE the barrier, saw me coming and put your bag down. That's different. I, as you can see, am here now."
So she says
"I was there, I just stepped over here to get an envelope."
So I say
"When were you here, 1982? It is the survival of the fittest in here, luv and you just need to deal with that."
So she then says
"Well that is the most bad mannered, rude thing I have ever seen. How dare you take my place!!!"
So I say
"You are such a New Yorker! What, do you think that I should give way to your BAG? A thing that is not even HUMAN?!! Well I beg to differ."
She then says
"What goes around comes around, you will see, you are a very bad person!"
So I say
"And here you are dealing with your own kharma then, because I am now in front of you in the queue, a- ha!!"
Luckily, a window became free for me then but I was not popular with the post office staff, who all seemed to have sided with American Woman. Even that did not deter me. In spite of a hideously unfriendly counter clerk who demanded several correct forms, I was the victor again because I had already filled them in at home! Thanks to Maxine who had supplied me with the forms earlier on in my life. Are you still awake?

The point is, I achieved success in that post office. I walked out and told the guys at the Hertz Car Rental next door 'That Post Office is my bi_ _h now' and everyone cheered. On the way home I high-fived anyone who would do it back and made friends with all the doormen in the buildings along the way.

Watch out for my next post about the cashier who STOLE MY DEBIT CARD in Harry's Shoes....

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