TAN-BAN

Perhaps it's just as well I've been banned from my bikini forever.....

A nasty mole scare (skin, not hairy little grass-pusher-uppers) means my sun-bathing days are gone. Before my kids can truly celebrate though, I must warn everyone that I will simply become a fake baker and plan to carry on in my bikini, willy-nilly, until the end of my days. I must be an exhibitionist because I just don't care what I look like in my bikini. The only place I would never, ever wear one is here in New York City and luckily, there's just absolutely no call for them at all. In fact, even Gisele Bundchen would look a bit ridiculous strolling down Bleeker in her bikini - you and me both, eh Giselle!!

So now I must master the art of fake tanning properly...I love a tan and even through winter I am a 'funny yellow colour' according to my dear Mutha. That's because I use enough fake tan every day to achieve that jaundiced look I love. However, next summer I am going to need the full tandoori. Never had any success at all with this, though close fashiony friends who do, always look amazing. It can't be that difficult to get an artificial tan these days, can it? Don't tell me to be pale, I am a grim Northerner with nothing much to offer physically. Brought up in the 70s, as I've told my therapist a million times, a tan equals Liz Taylor, Mike Baldwin and the Jet Set. I want one and I can never change.

By the way, sorry about the state of world politics, eco-systems and all the Important Horror in the world. I care deeply about all this stuff. However, this blog is devoted to the blah blah side of life. I hope you'll feel like me,  that your own little wibbles and wobbles are just that and everyone of us, able to read this blog, where-ever we are, are probably bluddy darn lucky. Honestly, it's exhausting trying not to swear on here but I'm scared my posts will get stuck if I do. Suffice to say, in real life, I probably wouldn't use a word like 'darn', other than to say to RBH when he's rummaging through the kipple drawer for a needle, 'People no longer darn socks, buy some new ones you snugly-fitted-clothed person Alf Garnett might not like'. xxx