WILL THERE BE ROACHES?

ALL VERY NICE, BUT DOES IT HAVE ROACHES?

(pic cap: I know, I'm an artist aren't I? See my next exhibition of Wild Life prints at the Gugy soon)

WILL THERE BE ROACHES?
Real estate agents in New York talk a lot of nonsense so heaven knows what pretend ones say.  Sorry, no editor to stop me... While apartment hunting with ours - Felix, a bloke who wanted to write musicals for his real living, I only had one burning question. After three hours of traipsing round with me, he got the gist.  "Look Feely" I said "Just tell me if  you think each place will, or will not, have cockroaches."  He tried to make some New Yorker-excuse about there being roaches everywhere in the city but I wasn't having it. After viewing five or six places I forced him into adding a 'Roach Rating' to our viewings. 'Don't you want to see the bedrooms?" he would ask. "Give me an honest RR then," I would say and we would just leave. A gorgeous, loft-like triplex on East 61st was my first choice. When pushed though, Felix had to come clean. "It's next to a restaurant, it's a low floor on a busy street. I can't make any guarantees."

In the end I went for an 11th floor apartment on the Upper West Side in a grand, old, typical apartment building. 'Paris in New York' is how the landlords describe it but that's pushing it. Seemed roach-free but on the day we moved in there was a massive, dead beast on the bathroom floor. Screaming for the super and phoning the landlords resulted in this: "It's only a waterbug". Apparently, they are less of an insect somehow than a cockroach. Makes no mother-freakin' difference to me.  Meanwhile, the kids had gone off to a beach club with some kind new friends so I was able to spend the day crying down the phone to my mum. We had paid a huge deposit for the flat but I was ready to about turn to the London Hotel, rubbish Gordon Ramsay restaurant (now closed) and all.

Our kindly super talked me down off the ceiling that day and since then, we have had about 5 visitations, all were dead or dying on discovery. 3 roaches in the communal areas (one had come under the front door) 1 waterbug splashing around in a toilet and 1 waterbug in our bedroom, for pity's sake. One of the roaches appeared while my friend was staying from England this summer and her shock/horror was a comfort. I mean, it's good to know it's not just me. It really is true to say all buildings here have bugs. New Yorkers won't discuss them. I spent the first six months going round parties asking everyone present what they do about their roaches. In the end someone kindly shhhed me, saying "It's not polite to ask people that."  In London we would all be screaming and swapping bug-killer numbers. Suppose everyone is just used to giant bugs roaming the streets here.